Helping people help themselves
dedicated to strengthening the spiritual journey and restoring emotional wellness
New York Christian Counseling Center
Do steps 1-3 on a separate sheet of paper and without your partner. The remainder
of the exercise is done together.
1. Being specific and positive, focus on items that happen with some regularity.
I feel loved and cared about when you…………….
2. Recall the romantic stage of your relationship. Are there caring behaviors that you used to do for each other that you are no longer doing?
I used to feel loved and cared about when you……………………
3. Now think about caring and loving behavior that you have always wanted but never asked for. Stay away from activities that are a present source of conflict.
I would like you to …………….
Combine all three lists and indicate how important each caring behavior is to you by writing a number 1 to 5 (1 = very important and 5 = not so important)
Exchange lists. Examine your partner's lists and put an "X" by any items that
you are not willing to do at this time. All the remaining behaviors should be
conflict-free. Starting tomorrow, do at least two of the non-conflicted behaviors each day for the next two months, starting with the ones that are easiest for you to do. When your partner does a caring behavior for you, acknowledge it with an appreciative comment. These are gifts and to be done regardless of how you feel about your partner and regardless of the number of caring behaviors your partner gives you.
We will always have problems; it is the solutions on which we focus that brings
Three aspects of conscious focus in relationship will allow for a sense of safety between partners. They are:
I believe I am a PRIORITY to my partner
I believe I am SIGNIFICANT to my partner
I believe I am RESPECTED by my partner
If these critical characteristics of conscious focus are missing, the interaction between partners will focus on how each person can capture that sorely needed piece. An argument will not be about the unresolved
difficulty, but rather a place to regain the sense of priority, significance or respect.
To accomplish this focus, each partner must ask themselves in a conscious manner, how can I let my partner know they are a priority to me, that they are significant in my life and are respected by me. When this is taking place as an active behavior, the atmosphere in the relationship is safe and open for growth.
Love is the power within us that affirms and values another human being as he or she IS. Human love affirms the person who is there instead of the ideal we would desire him or her to be or the projection flowing from our mind. Love is the inner place of the soul that opens our blind eyes to the beauty, value, and quality of the other person. Love causes us to value that personas a total, individual self, and this means that we accept the negative side as well as the positive, the imperfections as well as the admirable qualities. When one loves the human being rather instead of the projection, one loves the
shadow as much as one loves the light. One accepts the other person's totality.
Human love causes a man to see the intrinsic value in a woman: therefore love leads him to honor and serve her, rather than to try to improperly use her for his ego's intentions. When love is guiding him, he is concerned with her needs and her well-being, not fixated on his own wants and whims.
Human love causes a woman to see the intrinsic value in a man: he is not a projection of her unmet needs, but rather a soul who's journey she is honored to encourage and nurture toward the joy of finding God's plan.
In the relationship, the strength of the “I” or the individual is not diminished: rather it is encouraged by what the “WE” is able to accomplish as a mutual task. While a piece of each “I” is sacrificed to the
“WE”, it still remains the “I” but now finds greater joy in the strength of the “WE” which may not be experienced by the “I”.